Daria and the Chocolate Factory
by Smileyfax
Summary: Everybody's favorite cynic meets the world's most acclaimed choclatier. The world trembles.
1. Chapter 1

Daria listened half-heartedly as Mr. DeMartino lectured on the division of Germany after World War II. Her history teacher sounded a little less irritable than he usually did - mainly because the dynamic duo of Kevin Thompson and Brittany Taylor were absent that day, thus causing the room's average IQ to shoot up by a considerable margin.

They were absent, that is, until they appeared at the doorway. "Guys!" Kevin shouted. "Willy Wonka's opening his factory up to, like, five people in the entire world!"

"And he's hidden golden tickets in his candybars, and whoever gets a golden ticket gets to go into the factory!" Brittany squeaked out, thrilled.

"And the winners also get a lifetime supply of chocolate!" Kevin added, jubilant. They disappeared from the doorway, presumably off to inform other classrooms about this event.

Daria's mouth was half-open, the sarcastic remark still half-formed in her brain, when the classroom was overcome with a general uproar. Startled, Daria looked around as her classmates stormed to their feet, cheering as they ran for the door. After what seemed like three seconds, the classroom had emptied itself entirely, save for Daria and Mr. DeMartino. "Uh...what the hell just happened?" she wondered aloud.

"Miss MORgendorffer, I would not beGRUDGE you if you were to join your classmates in their effort to LOOT every candy store, supermarket, and convenience store in TOWN in their effort to get their hands on a PRIZE which would no doubt send them to an early diabetic coma-induced GRAVE."

"Uh, thanks," Daria said reluctantly, gathering her books and leaving the classroom

The hallway was the scene of a disaster zone. Textbooks and loose pieces of paper were scattered all around, a number of lockers hanging ajar. Daria was a little surprised that she didn't stumble across anybody dead by stampede as she made her way to her locker.

She closed her locker and turned around, letting out an "Eep!" as she was startled by Jane, who was standing less than a foot behind her, bouncing excitedly up and down on her toes. "Daria, come on, we've got to buy some Wonka bars!"

Daria sighed, wondering when exactly Jane had lost her mind. "Jane, you do realize this is just an advertising scheme to sell more candy, right?"

Jane looked at Daria like she had just grown a third head. "...Daria, don't tell me you've never had a Wonka bar before."

"Okay, I won't."

Jane's mouth fell open in shock. "You've never had a Wonka bar? Daria's head shook. "No wonder! Come on, amiga, we've got to get some Wonka goodness in you..."

XXXX

Daria sat upright on Jane's bed, looking impassively down upon Jane's countenance. Jane's countenance was at that moment smeared with chocolate and emitting moans of pain.

"In the future, Jane, it might not be considered the best plan to eat twenty-five candy bars."

Jane rolled over on her side, so that if she threw up she wouldn't drown in her own vomit. "Worth it," she gritted through her teeth. Daria rolled her eyes and left the room. She returned several minutes later with a glass of water, bubbling from the antacid tablet at the bottom of the glass. Jane drank it slowly and gratefully. After a few minutes, she felt well enough to sit up.

"So, what's so special about this Wonka guy, anyway? How come I've never heard of him before?" Daria asked.

"Haven't you eaten your Wonka bar yet?" Jane asked increduously.

Daria shook her head. "I want to know what kind of cult I'll be joining before I drink the Kool-Aid, actually."

Jane rolled her eyes. "Okay, so Wonka is this candy maker out of England. I guess he's not as popular here in the good ol' US of A because we're Hershey territory, but Wonka's definitely better. The story goes that rival candy makers kept trying to infiltrate his factory and steal all his secrets, so he just closed it up one day and sent all his workers home."

"Bet that did wonders for the local economy."

"Hush," Jane chided. "Anyway, after a few years, the factory started up again...only no workers came in, and no workers came out. The candy appeared on the shipping docks overnight, where the trucks came and hauled it off to airports, seaports, and distribution centers...but neither hide nor hair has been seen of Wonka, nor of any of his workers."

Daria nodded. "Actually, I think I have heard of this before. Wasn't there an episode of Sick, Sad World about it?"

Jane nodded. "Yeah! Anyway, Daria, try the damn chocolate already. You might even have a golden ticket!"

"Don't be absurd, Jane," Daria said, tearing open the packaging. "What are the odds that, of all the hundreds of millions of candy bars he must ship out every year, I'd get one...with..." Daria was interrupted as both she and Jane's eyes were fixated upon the Wonka bar.

A golden glint had revealed itself underneath the wrapping.

XXXX

Daria walked home in a state of muted shock. Jane, after whooping and hollering in excitement, had been disappointed to find out the ticket prohibited any but a single member of the winner's family from accompanying them into the factory. After that, Jane had begged Daria for the ticket, but Daria promised to split the chocolate with Jane.

After she left, she realized she still hadn't tasted the Wonka bar, which she had shoved into her jacket pocket unthinkingly after finding the ticket. She took it out (marvelled that it hadn't melted) and took a bite. After thinking about it for a moment, she thought, 'Not bad,' and took another bite.

As she walked home, she considered which one of her family members she should take. She considered her father first - he might enjoy the tour, and the chance to hobnob with this Willy Wonka man...on the other hand, it might remind him of his childhood, prompting him to rant about her long-dead grandfather. Her mother...would be too busy chatting with Eric on her cell phone to actually care about the tour. Aunt Amy might be interested, but then again might not.

Quinn, though...Quinn disliked candy, since it made her break out. And since there was sure to be plenty of publicity surrounding the factory tour, it'd be an ample opportunity for public humiliation. It'd work out perfectly; all she'd have to do is convince her mother to let her take Quinn...

"My congratulations, little girl," a stern voice interrupted her musing. She looked up to see a man had stepped out from behind a tree, now standing quite close to her. He had a no-nonsense face and wore a suit and wire-rimmed spectacles. "You found the first golden ticket.

"How the hell could you know that?" Daria asked, fear obvious in her voice and face.

"May I introduce myself...Arthur Slugworth, president of Slugworth Chocolates." He began to reach into his jacket.

Daria, having seen too many crime movies, got spooked and reached into her own jacket pocket. She was much quicker on the draw, and sprayed Slugworth's face with the entire contents of the can of mace. She drew back and kicked him in the crotch as hard as she could, then set off for home at a dead run. If she had bothered to look back, she would have seen a wad of hundred-dollar bills clutched in the groaning man's hand.

XXXXXXXXXX

I don't think Daria/Willy Wonka has been mashed up before...at least, not outside the "Scenes that shouldn't exist" threads. Expect Daria and Willy Wonka to be up to their usual selves, (Oh, and this'll be the Gene Wilder Wonka, not the Johnny Depp Wonka, mainly because I've never seen the newer movie). 


	2. Chapter 2

In the weeks following her ticket find, Daria learned of the other four winners of the contest (all children). They each were interviewed on TV after they had found their tickets, and she noticed Slugworth surreptitiously speaking to each of them in turn. (The news media had repeatedly tried to interview Daria, but she turned down all requests, either directly or with her stand-offish attitude).

She hadn't reported Slugworth to the authorities (or her parents), realizing after the fact that she most likely had grossly over-reacted. Revealing she had soundly thrashed him would only embarrass her.

Helen and Jake were both ecstatic upon Daria's news of being one of the golden ticket recipients. As Daria had predicted, Jake wanted to come, but after his enthusiasm for the trip segwayed into a rant about his father forbidding Jake from eating any chocolate, Helen nixed the idea. She almost suggested going herself, but remembered that she would be spearheading a sizable case for her firm for the next six months, and the factory tour would take place in a mere three months.

She was resistant to Daria's suggestion of Quinn being the one to accompany her at first; Rita, Amy, and even Erin were considered, but Daria (subtly reminding her mother of the animosity between her and her two siblings) managed to cement the idea of Quinn going along with Daria. (Daria being 18, she was old enough to keep Quinn chaperoned anyway).

Quinn, naturally, was aghast at the idea of both going to a chcolate factory, as well as being seen in public (with the news media, no less) with her sister. Helen finally persuaded her to go, with the promise of Quinn borrowing Helen's gold card and touring the finest designer's clothing stores London had to offer.

Daria hadn't foreseen the increase in popularity at school she experienced as a result of being the first golden ticket winner. Her teachers all congratulated her (with Ms. Li making a point to boast about it to the whole school via the PA system), whereas many of the students pestered Daria to take one of them. Even after she explained only family members were permitted to join her, some of her fellow students persisted. Kevin Thompson was the most persistent of these; his constant haranguement of Daria caused Brittany to break up with him seven times, and he only left Daria alone after she threatened to tell Ms. Barch.

After Kevin relented, the weeks seemed to fly by, and Daria soon found herself waiting with the other four winners (and their family members) outside the gates of Willy Wonka's chocolate factory.

"Hey, Mom, we're on TV!" one of the children, a boy Daria's memory told her was improbably named Mike Teevee, said. "Hi, everybody in Marble Falls! Hi, Billy! Hi, Maggie! Hi, Fishface! How do I look?"

"I wonder how Fishface looks," Daria muttered.

As the reporters gave last-minute on-the-spot interviews to the other contest winners (with Daria's death-glare keeping them away, and Quinn hiding behind a long head-scarf and sunglasses), the clock began to strike ten.

Willy Wonka was not quite what Daria anticipated, but then, she didn't know what to expect. (She had Googled him, but had turned up little she hadn't learned from Jane's story). He wore a red top hat and a purple overcoat, and walked with a pronounced limp and a cane. As he made his way down the cobblestone path, his cane became wedged between two of the stones, and before he took notice he kept hobbling forward. He came to a dead stop after another foot or two, and as he began to topple, the crowd (including Daria, to her surprise) took in a collective breath of fear and anticipation.

Halfway down, Wonka transformed the fall into a somersault, from which he stood up energetically, inspiring the crowd to applaud in appreciation. (Daria, however, pursed her lips, only a little impressed). "Thank you, thank you! Welcome, my friends. Welcome to my chocolate factory." He beckoned to the five contest winners. "Would you come forward please?"

Before Daria and Quinn could make their way forward, they were almost knocked over by a large man with his daughter in tow. "Veruca first!" he cried out. "Get back, you! Come on, veruca sweetheart!" Daria scowled at Veruca Salt, who saw Daria's face and stuck her tongue out before following after her father.

Once she regained her footing, she noticed Slugworth out of the corner of her eye. She instinctively reached for the can of pepper spray in her pocket; Slugworth saw this, winced, and retreated into the anonymity of the crowd. After being sure that the menacing man had truly disappeared, Daria made her way with the other contestants through the gates. Quinn saw the non-verbal exchange between Daria and the strange man, but chose to wait until a more opportune time to ask Daria. ('Opportune' meaning 'annoying for Daria').

"Welcome, it's nice to have you here," Wonka greeted. "I'm so glad you could come. This is going to be such an exciting day, I hope you enjoy it. And now...would you please show me your tickets?"

Veruca Salt, naturally, was first. "I'm Veruca Salt," she announced.

"My dear Veruca, what a pleasure," Wonka purred. "And how pretty you look in that lovely mink coat."

"I've got three others at home," she bragged.

"Mink is sooo wrong," Quinn pointed out.

"Who asked you?" Veruca sneered, pushing past Wonka after handing over her golden ticket.

"And Mr. Salt, enjoyed to see you, sir. Would you just step over there for a minute," he said, gesturing towards the factory entrance. Wonka greeted the next two children with varying degrees of enthusiasm. The last child before Daria finally approached him.

"I'm Mike Teevee," he introduced himself. Before Wonka could say anything else, Mike (who was dressed in the 60s version of a cowboy's outfit) drew a toy pistol and pretended to fire it into Wonka's gut. "WHAM! You're dead!" he declared. Daria let out a small smile at this act of bravado.

"Wonderful to meet you, Mike!" Wonka said, shaking Mike's free hand. "And Mrs. Teevee, how do you do? What an adorable little boy you have."

"Thank you," she smiled.

"Just over there," he gestured to where the others were waiting.

"Daria Morgendorffer," Daria said, handing her ticket over to Wonka. Before Quinn could react, Daria seized her sister in one arm and pulled her close. She dragged Quinn around to face the gathered crowd. "And this is my SISTER, Quinn!" she announced, a large shark's grin on her face.

"Damnit, Daria! That wasn't funny!" Quinn shrieked, pushing her sister's arm off her.

"Delighted to meet you two. Overjoyed, enraptured, entranced; are we ready? Yes! Good! In we go!" Wonka led the ten souls into the factory, a musical fanfare following them until the door shut behind them, closing off all sound from the outside world. 


End file.
